


First Burn (lams)

by beepbeepliv



Series: AL EX AN D ER Hamilton [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, bad ham, but not much comfort, go sit in the corner, mild: Thomas Jefferson/John Laurens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26669818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbeepliv/pseuds/beepbeepliv
Summary: The door fell closed behind him with no weight to support it and John swung round at the sound, raising his shaking hand."Don't take another step in my direction." Alex stopped himself just as his chest was about to come into contact with John's hand, they both swayed into the closeness for a moment before John ripped his hand away like a man burned, "I can't be trusted around you."
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler (implied), Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/Maria Reynolds (implied), Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan (implied)
Series: AL EX AN D ER Hamilton [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940554
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	First Burn (lams)

**Author's Note:**

> Its okay for me to write fanfiction about the founding fathers bc I’m not American right..? … right?
> 
> Anyway, it is unclear in the fic but this is sort of a Uni AU where Ham is running for senate but like uni senate not US gov senate? Also the ‘kids’ they discuss are sort of sponsored children that they haven’t fully adopted yet but plan to once they’ve graduated and got stable jobs rather than biological – almost like the ‘big brother’ initiative. (basically I got too lazy to edit the part of the song about kids so this is my fix)
> 
> I am OBSESSED with first burn so damn much man lin really fucking snapped I WISH I was half as talented as that wholesome short king.

Alex sprinted down the halls, ignoring the multitude of papers that fell from his folders in his haste – his speeches could be rewritten, this was more important. Turning the final corner, he was surprised when to hear soft murmuring coming from the other side of the wall. John's dorm room. He knew his boyfriend. Well, he hoped John was still his boyfriend. Alex hadn't spoken to him since the blog post went live. Partially because he was trapped in a meeting for the past three hours but mostly because he was too scared. Fear was such an unusual emotion for the man who everyone knew to ooze courage but the chance that he may have ruined his and John’s relationship was more than enough to form ice in his chest.

The point was, Alex knew his boyfriend, he knew he didn’t like being around people on the best of days, not to talk of when he was upset. That wasn’t to say that Alex wanted him to be upset, in fact, it would be a dream if John hadn’t read the post yet, and Alex got to speak to him before he did, but he knew that was unlikely. When it was news about him, John was often the first person to know, always invested in helping keep Alexander’s good name unsullied. That fierce loyalty was one of the things that first attracted Alex.

They’d been at a party, and Alex had made some dumb joke about French people at Lafayette’s expense. John had reared up, not knowing that they were friends, and called Hamilton out, righteous anger igniting his words until Hercules stepped between them, introducing the two. John hadn’t apologised and Alex never needed him to. From there, they’d fallen into each other.

None of that explained who could possibly be in John’s house right now, at what must be a fragile point for him. Alex tried not to think the worst, but it was almost impossible not to spiral as he tried to work up the nerve to knock. However, before he could, the door was wrenched open and John's wrecked voice was suddenly crystal clear,

"--last time I ask you to leave, please just go, Thomas," Alex frowned, feeling his blood run hotter in his veins at the thought of Jefferson coming round to see his boyfriend (Alex relished thinking of John in relation to that word while it was still true) when he knew what a vulnerable position he must be in. The sleazebag.

"Get lost Jefferson, you heard him," It took him a moment before he realised, he’d even spoken, the unfortunate consequence of being around Thomas Jefferson was that he often lost all sense of control and instead just let his blind anger take over. He saw John tense up, but that was the only indication he gave that signified that he’d heard Alex speak, he didn’t turn around. Thomas noticed this, obviously he did, and smirked, but thankfully raised his hand placatingly.

"Of course, where are my manners?" he drawled insincerely, then picked up his bag and rose from the chair he had been lounging in (looking far too at home on John’s apartment for Hamilton’s liking), before heading for the door. Jefferson paused by John's side then pulled out his card, sliding it into John's shirt pocket and patting it (again, too intimately for Alex's liking). "If you need to talk to anyone, ever, or if you ever need anything. I'm here for you, and the baby," he smiled softly at John before sending Alex a smarmy look over his shoulder. Smirking to all the world like he knew something Alex didn't. God, he hated him.

Alex waited for him to disappear around the corner before voicing as much. John sent him an incredulous look, body covering the doorway in a way that made it clear he wasn’t invited in. Alex’s throat clogged up, in his distaste towards Jefferson, he'd almost forgotten the blog post. He took a hesitant step forward, his hands aching to reach out for John.

"John, I—"

"I saved every letter you wrote me... From the moment I saw you, I knew you were mine." He spoke, cutting Alex off and taking a few steps back into his apartment to replace the distance between them. A moment of silent eye contact passed before he turned away and his next words were quieter, but Alex still caught them. How could he not when they struck him with bullet-like force? "Well… you _said_ you were mine, so I _thought_ you were mine."

"John, you are--" He tried to rebuff, falling forwards into the doorway of the apartment and grabbing the door before it swung shut, unable to help himself. John had him magnetized, he always had. Alex’s words were cut off once more, it was obvious that John had something to say and he was in no mood to let Alex talk himself out of it like their previous petty arguments.

"Do you know what Angelica said when I told her what you'd done?" Alex stayed silent, for once, unsure of what words were about to escape John's mouth but knowing they wouldn't be good. "She said 'you've married an Icarus, he has flown too close to the sun',"

Alex couldn’t help but surge forward at the token tremble in John's voice that was always a tell for when he was about to break down. The comparison was apt, trust Angelica to sum up the situation perfectly in only a few words. Alex dreaded to think what she would say to him the next time they met face-to-face. She’d warned him to be careful with John’s heart, she’d warned him to spend less time working, she’d even organised a get-away for he and John, an all expense paid break, that Alex had refused in favour of finishing his new development proposals. She would be ruthless, and he would deserve it.

The door fell closed behind him with no weight to support it and John swung round at the sound, raising his shaking hand.

"Don't take another step in my direction." Alex stopped himself just as his chest was about to come into contact with John's hand, they both swayed into the closeness for a moment before John ripped his hand away like a man burned, "I can't be trusted around you."

His words were murmured at the ground, as he looked at his hand like it had betrayed him. It was almost like being faced with a stranger, the usual bright expressive John stood stonily ahead, the only thing giving away any emotion was the slight warble in his voice and the flush of his cheeks under his freckles, otherwise Alex could have mistaken him for unbothered. It was terrifying. He wished John would let him speak so he could work on fixing things.

"John, I--" He was silenced again, but this time by John's eyes as they swung up to look at him with a level of fury that was usually reserved for Henry. Alex couldn’t have spoken even if he wanted to, frozen under John’s gaze.

"Don't think you can talk your way back into my arms," he snarled taking a step to the side and suddenly Alex had an unblocked view of the balcony. He now understood what could have brought Jefferson down to John's flat, seeing as he lived directly above. There, placed in the middle of John’s balcony was a small metal bin with flames escaping out the top, around two metres away from a chair that held a stack of well work paper. Alex's throat clenched and he hoped to all things holy that John wasn't doing what he thought he might be.

"I'm burning the letters you wrote to me. You can stand over there if you want, I don't know who you are, I have _so_ much to learn. I'm re-reading your letters and watching them _burn_." He turned, making his way towards the balcony, supposedly to get back to throwing Alex’s heart in the flames when Alex felt his courage rush back into him, he took two steps, that were closer to leaps, forward and gently took John's arm, the other man froze but didn’t pull away. He seemed to lean back into Alex’s space slightly but that may have just been wishful thinking. His fingers trembled when Alex laced them together.

"John, please, let me explain,"

"Explain what, Alex?" The red-haired man tried to tamp down the hope that built up inside of him at those words. Sure, they weren’t positive by any means, but those were the first words John had spoken so far that didn’t sound carefully orchestrated and painfully rehearsed. They felt real, raw. It felt like John. However, he didn't pause long enough to give Alex a chance to respond before falling back into his monotonous speech. "You published the emails she sent you. You told the whole town how you brought that girl into our bed, in clearing your name, you have ruined our lives,"

"John, you must understand, Jefferson and Madison were going to--" John let out an aggravated growl and Alex wished he knew what was going on in his mind. His words were so carefully chosen, revealing so much but not at all at the same time. He wished he knew the right thing to say, but in the tiny chances he’d been given to speak he seemed to only dig himself into a deeper hole. He reared up into Alex space, fists clenched in the way he always did when Alex wasn’t listening to what he was trying to say. But what he didn’t realise was that Alex was always listening- he just didn’t always understand no matter how much he wanted to.

"Heaven's forbid someone make out that you're the weak link.” He said, exasperation clear in his tone for the first time so far, “Your enemies lie and it's like you can't think! and we all know what lies are…” he seemed to catch himself them, taking a breath and backing away until there was a modest amount of space between them once more. Alex watched his jaw tense them felt himself rendered speechless as John’s brown eyes drew up to lock on his.

“I see how you look at Eliza." He whispered.

“John…” Alex started, unsure of what defence was playing on his lips, rebuttal, righteousness, resignation, he didn’t get a chance to figure it out before John was snarling back. Grabbing at the nearest object, a cushion from the sofa, and squeezing it in a bid for something to do with his hands, a true tell of how nervous he was.

"Don't! I'm not naive. I have seen people around you.” He pointed his free hand accusingly at Alex, “Don't think I don’t see how they fall for your charms, all of your charms!" he cried, anguished, throwing the cushion at Alex weakly. Alex caught it. He opened his mouth to try again, aiming to beg for forgiveness, no longer having the energy to try and explain himself but John just shook his head sadly, tearfully. He didn’t have the energy to listen.

He wrapped his arms around himself and Alex wished he was caught in that embrace, he looked soft, dressed down in worn joggers and one of Alex’s old shirts which he gave to John so long ago the other man probably forgot it was once Alex’s. He couldn’t believe how stupid and weak he’d been to cheat on the best thing to ever happen to him.

John sighed, turning back towards the balcony, picking up the letter and sitting in the chair, the flame had begun to die down slightly, it was running low on fuel, Alex presumed.

"I'm erasing myself from the narrative. Let all of the journalists wonder just how John reacted when you broke his heart.” He murmured almost matter of factly as he resumed dropping the personalised letters into the flames below one by one, watching it slowly pick up. "You have thrown it all away, stand back, watch it burn."

“John—” he raised a hand to silence Alex once again.

"Just watch it all burn" Helplessly Alex’s eyes were drawn to the fire as the final letter was thrown in and the last evidence of his love was burnt to cinders and carried away in the wind. The flames lit up John’s skin beautifully against the darkening sky behind him. Alex felt a pit in his stomach. This felt an awful lot like an ending.

As the flames dwindled down to light sparking once more, John turned back to face Alex, fury reignited in his eyes as he rose back to his feet pushed at the pillow cradled to his chest between his next phrases, aiming him towards the door.

"And when the time comes…" push

"Explain to the children…" push

"The pain and embarrassment…" push

"You put their father through…" push

"When will you learn…" push

"That they are your legacy?" on this shove, Alex grabbed on to John's wrists, not letting the man struggle out of his grip "We are your legacy!" he cried, looking at Alexander like he couldn’t figure him out with all the money in this world. It was in that moment that Alex realised just how much he'd fucked up.

In his desperation not to throw away his shot at succeeding against all the odds, in his mad bid not to miss out on any opportunities to rise to mass power, to enact his policies, to one day become Vice Chancellor, he'd forgotten to treasure what was most important. John, their children. 20 and 6 months were far too young to have their prospective parent split up. He very well may have just ruined their lives.

Slowly, he relinquished his grip on John’s forearms, letting the man walk around him to open the front door. Alex walked out without a fight he could see that John was tired, he could tell this was hard for him. he wasn’t going to make it any worse that he had so far.

He would give him time and hope it was still salvageable, rather than shoot off at the mouth now and risk fucking everything up for good.

“Hamilton?” if Alex thought it had hurt that John hadn’t spoken his name the entire time, it was nothing compared to the pain of being referred to so impersonally by the man he was closest to in the whole world. He turned back to face his, now, supposedly, ex-boyfriend.

"If you thought you were mine... don't."

"John." His voice was choked.

"Hamilton. _Don't_."

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact. Couldn't stop singing First Burn all shift today so I went off and wrote this on my 45 then came home and edited it and am now posting and I think this is the fastest I've ver written a vic from start to sharing lol.
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoyed this song fic, I may do a congratulations next bc I also love that and then a lams fix it vic but also pls expect nothing from me as I am a hot mess.
> 
> Feel free to comment to let me know what you think!


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